Let's be honest: Unless you soley stan Carly Rae Jepsen, all of our faves have at least one song, moment, or era where we pretend it never existed. Whether it's an overpretentious approach to EDM music, disingenuious "woke" pop, or three questionable singles allegedly caused the album to be scrapped and rerecorded, it's clear that things haven't been going to well in the music scene. But don't worry, a hero always rises in these dark times. And that hero is CupcakKe. After reviving the second renaissance with Charli XCX, Queen Elizabitch is here to let your faves eat cake and learn how to stop falling off their game before the 33rd day of the month.
Katy Perry
Let's start with the most recent flop: Witnessthe Trainwreck era. While there is nothing wrong with addressing social issues in music, Katy falls short on selling her era as "woke" pop for many reasons ranging from disparaging Britney Spears' mental health days after calling her music "woke" pop, featuring Migos on a track despite a member's homophobic remarks (And justifying it with the gay equivalent of "I can't be racist, I have a black friend"), and simply not addressing social issues enough to justify the branding of the album as "woke" pop. Ultimately speaking, the best way to fix this era is to put Katy Perry back in her lane. No one is expecting Katy Perry to address social issues in her music to begin with, so there's no need to do it if she's unprepared to tackle said issues and the personal baggage she has regarding social issues.
Luckily, there's a CupcakKe remix to remedy this issue. By stripping "Chain to the Rhythm"'s half-hearted lyrics about the current political landscape and turning it into zombie erotica, the song not only mitigates the alienation of her current fanbase, but also taps into the tumblr Bob's Burgers fanbase that relates to Tina and her interest in nerophilia.
Lady Gaga
On the other end of the spectrum, we have Lady Gaga. Unlike Katy Perry's attempt at "woke" pop rivaling her attempt at getting a humidifier as a psuedo-Big Brother contestant, Gaga's ARTPOP era tried too hard. While the general public praised Gaga for previously finding the right balance of dance music, pop music aesthetics, and artistry, ARTPOP took an unnecessary step in selling pop as high brow art. This is epitomized by "Aura" (Initially titled "Burqa"). In her attempt to sell the burqa as a metaphor about artistic layers and how it relates to Hollywood fame, it ultimately comes off as a fashion designer selling his work as Fragonard-Madame-de-Pompadour-Meets-2st-Century-Rockstar-Slash-Williamsburg-Hasidic-Gentleman. You don't want to become that one student (Or teacher) in English class that overanalyzes everything and attaches symbolism to places where there isn't any or else everyone is interally telling you to shut up, it's just fucking red.
Despite Lady Gaga's flop era having the opposite problem as Katy Perry, the solution is ultimately the same: Remove the source of the problem. Rather than selling white-person-introspection-into-Muslim-culture-meets-sex-positive-feminism-slash-how-fame-is-toxic, CupcakKe condenses the song into a cohesive theme of sex. It's less pretentious, on-brand with her fanbase, and doesn't have to rehash religious controversy for the thousandth time to gain attention.
Rihanna
Although RiRi was able to salvage the Anti era in the end, the era definitely had a rough start. The general audience couldn't relate to "Three Four Five Seconds" and "American Oxygen". While "Bitch Better have my Money" did relatively better than the other two, it was highly debated whether the song is a bop or a flop. It also doesn't help that the song has been accused of plagarism. While Rihanna and her team figured out the solution to this dilemma is to simply have RiRi collaborate with Drake and pretend the start of the era never happened, Queen Elizabitch would much rather tackle the problem itself.
So how do you deal with a song with mixed receptions with a plagarism scandal? Why, you simply have to deliver the song better! With the right approach and delivery, you can easily make people forget the original if it's either better or friendly to the general public. After all, Aretha Franklin was able to convince everybody that Respect was her song, so it clearly works. While Rihanna's delivery of the song isn't bad per se, it can definitely go in harder. So let's have CupcakKe push her aside and show how it should have been done.
Carly Rae Jepsen
... Did you not read the first fucking sentence of this post? There's nothing that needs to be salvaged from the nu-gaijin maple syrup queen of Japan. God, typical ONTD.
BUY E•MO•TION ON ITUNES.
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Christina Aguilera
Oh, Xtine, you timetravelling chanteuse. Ahead of your time with Bionic. After Lotus failed to revive her career, we're left with a vocal powerhouse trying to sell us Oreos. A travesty. However, we can't spend all day mourning for dead music careers, CupcakKe is here to save them. So what EXACTLY was wrong with Lotus? While Christina Aguilera had the right approach in going back to what we love about her (Sexually charged bops with vocal delivery) with "Your Body", the general public needs to be hit HARD to remember why Xtine was a thing. And who better to help address this issue than the genius behind "Deepthroat", "Va*ina", "Doggystyle", "Cumshot", and "Cpr"?
While remixing "Your Body" with any of these songs would elevate "Your Body" to a musical orgasm loud enough to have every human being in the world shook, it is best to go with the classic "Deepthroat". Straight-to-the-point and a hook consisting of moans, even being reminded of Mike Pence calling his wife "mother" can stop you from spontaneously orgasming upon hearing the song.
Miley Cyrus
After realizing that profitting from black and hip-hop culture is not viable in the long run, Miley decided to be a virginal white girl that is above listening to hip-hop and its terrible messages. Unfortunately, not all of us are Mariah Carey (Although we can dream to be) and be forgetful, and Miley was quickly called out for it. While CupcakKe laughs at how Miley pretends to be hard when she runs from the sound of a fart, the queen is feeling generous to help Miley despite how much she does not deserve it.
Social and racial issues aside, Miley definitely has the right idea to switch back to her former shtick from a white capitalistic perspective. After all, she needs to make money, and she clearly doesn't give a fuck about the people that carries the burden of her actions. However, she did it too fast. Subtlety is key. And what better way to make the transition than to combine two of her fake personas as a bridge to the white girl that is 53% likely to use her vote to screw over anyone that isn't white? <3 By making her reverse Rachel Dolezal transformation more gradual, people won't notice anything unless Billy Ray Cyrus outs her transracial journey.
Madonna
Although Madonna established herself as an iconic figure in music, her popularity has fallen since the peak of her career. While she tried to mitigate this issue by trying to keep up with the trends of today's youth, these attempts are met with criticisms about her not acting her age. So Dr. CupCakKe, how will you deliver metaphorical CPR to save her career? Collaborations with trendy young artists? But that's been done already.
... Oh wait, the key word is trendy? Of course! After all, kids these days are reciting the lyrics of "Deepthroat" these days, not "Bad Girls" or "Stupid Ho". While CupcakKe is busy making music videos left and right, she has been generous enough to provide some bars as someone that's actually relevant enough to revive someone's career.
Sources
Katy Perry 1
Lady Gaga 1 / 2
Rihanna 1 / 2
Carly Rae Jepsen 1
Christina Aguilera 1 / 2
Miley Cyrus 1
Madonna 1
totally not a way for me to procrastinate my jpop ontd originals
what are your favorite cupcakke remixes?
Katy Perry
Let's start with the most recent flop: Witness
Luckily, there's a CupcakKe remix to remedy this issue. By stripping "Chain to the Rhythm"'s half-hearted lyrics about the current political landscape and turning it into zombie erotica, the song not only mitigates the alienation of her current fanbase, but also taps into the tumblr Bob's Burgers fanbase that relates to Tina and her interest in nerophilia.
Lady Gaga
On the other end of the spectrum, we have Lady Gaga. Unlike Katy Perry's attempt at "woke" pop rivaling her attempt at getting a humidifier as a psuedo-Big Brother contestant, Gaga's ARTPOP era tried too hard. While the general public praised Gaga for previously finding the right balance of dance music, pop music aesthetics, and artistry, ARTPOP took an unnecessary step in selling pop as high brow art. This is epitomized by "Aura" (Initially titled "Burqa"). In her attempt to sell the burqa as a metaphor about artistic layers and how it relates to Hollywood fame, it ultimately comes off as a fashion designer selling his work as Fragonard-Madame-de-Pompadour-Meets-2st-Century-Rockstar-Slash-Williamsburg-Hasidic-Gentleman. You don't want to become that one student (Or teacher) in English class that overanalyzes everything and attaches symbolism to places where there isn't any or else everyone is interally telling you to shut up, it's just fucking red.
Despite Lady Gaga's flop era having the opposite problem as Katy Perry, the solution is ultimately the same: Remove the source of the problem. Rather than selling white-person-introspection-into-Muslim-culture-meets-sex-positive-feminism-slash-how-fame-is-toxic, CupcakKe condenses the song into a cohesive theme of sex. It's less pretentious, on-brand with her fanbase, and doesn't have to rehash religious controversy for the thousandth time to gain attention.
Rihanna
Although RiRi was able to salvage the Anti era in the end, the era definitely had a rough start. The general audience couldn't relate to "Three Four Five Seconds" and "American Oxygen". While "Bitch Better have my Money" did relatively better than the other two, it was highly debated whether the song is a bop or a flop. It also doesn't help that the song has been accused of plagarism. While Rihanna and her team figured out the solution to this dilemma is to simply have RiRi collaborate with Drake and pretend the start of the era never happened, Queen Elizabitch would much rather tackle the problem itself.
So how do you deal with a song with mixed receptions with a plagarism scandal? Why, you simply have to deliver the song better! With the right approach and delivery, you can easily make people forget the original if it's either better or friendly to the general public. After all, Aretha Franklin was able to convince everybody that Respect was her song, so it clearly works. While Rihanna's delivery of the song isn't bad per se, it can definitely go in harder. So let's have CupcakKe push her aside and show how it should have been done.
Carly Rae Jepsen
... Did you not read the first fucking sentence of this post? There's nothing that needs to be salvaged from the nu-gaijin maple syrup queen of Japan. God, typical ONTD.
BUY E•MO•TION ON ITUNES.
Christina Aguilera
Oh, Xtine, you timetravelling chanteuse. Ahead of your time with Bionic. After Lotus failed to revive her career, we're left with a vocal powerhouse trying to sell us Oreos. A travesty. However, we can't spend all day mourning for dead music careers, CupcakKe is here to save them. So what EXACTLY was wrong with Lotus? While Christina Aguilera had the right approach in going back to what we love about her (Sexually charged bops with vocal delivery) with "Your Body", the general public needs to be hit HARD to remember why Xtine was a thing. And who better to help address this issue than the genius behind "Deepthroat", "Va*ina", "Doggystyle", "Cumshot", and "Cpr"?
While remixing "Your Body" with any of these songs would elevate "Your Body" to a musical orgasm loud enough to have every human being in the world shook, it is best to go with the classic "Deepthroat". Straight-to-the-point and a hook consisting of moans, even being reminded of Mike Pence calling his wife "mother" can stop you from spontaneously orgasming upon hearing the song.
Miley Cyrus
After realizing that profitting from black and hip-hop culture is not viable in the long run, Miley decided to be a virginal white girl that is above listening to hip-hop and its terrible messages. Unfortunately, not all of us are Mariah Carey (Although we can dream to be) and be forgetful, and Miley was quickly called out for it. While CupcakKe laughs at how Miley pretends to be hard when she runs from the sound of a fart, the queen is feeling generous to help Miley despite how much she does not deserve it.
Social and racial issues aside, Miley definitely has the right idea to switch back to her former shtick from a white capitalistic perspective. After all, she needs to make money, and she clearly doesn't give a fuck about the people that carries the burden of her actions. However, she did it too fast. Subtlety is key. And what better way to make the transition than to combine two of her fake personas as a bridge to the white girl that is 53% likely to use her vote to screw over anyone that isn't white? <3 By making her reverse Rachel Dolezal transformation more gradual, people won't notice anything unless Billy Ray Cyrus outs her transracial journey.
Madonna
Although Madonna established herself as an iconic figure in music, her popularity has fallen since the peak of her career. While she tried to mitigate this issue by trying to keep up with the trends of today's youth, these attempts are met with criticisms about her not acting her age. So Dr. CupCakKe, how will you deliver metaphorical CPR to save her career? Collaborations with trendy young artists? But that's been done already.
... Oh wait, the key word is trendy? Of course! After all, kids these days are reciting the lyrics of "Deepthroat" these days, not "Bad Girls" or "Stupid Ho". While CupcakKe is busy making music videos left and right, she has been generous enough to provide some bars as someone that's actually relevant enough to revive someone's career.
Sources
Katy Perry 1
Lady Gaga 1 / 2
Rihanna 1 / 2
Carly Rae Jepsen 1
Christina Aguilera 1 / 2
Miley Cyrus 1
Madonna 1
what are your favorite cupcakke remixes?